Becoming a grandparent

Prof. Dr. phil. François Höpflinger

The sociologist researched age and generation issues at the University of Zurich for decades and is, among other things, a member of the management group of the Center for Gerontology.

Prof. Höpflinger, being a grandparent seems to be one of the most pleasant roles in life. What changes do you see in baby boomers? Are they different grandparents than the generations before them?

Because the baby boom generation gave birth to fewer children than the parent generation, they have fewer grandchildren overall than previous generations. The proportion of childless baby boomers in Germany is also considerable (which has reduced the proportion of people who have grandchildren at all). Since the children of the baby boomers often started a family rather late, the age at the birth of a first grandchild has also increased. The grandparents of the baby boom generation differ from previous generations in three other areas:
More women than before are still or again in employment when their first grandchild is born. In some cases, caring for grandchildren leads to early retirement. Increasingly, however, regular childcare is not possible for professional reasons (and grandparents primarily look after grandchildren during their holidays). 
A higher incidence of divorce has contributed to more single grandparents as well as more step-grandparents. A divergence between biological and social grandparenthood became more common. The main effect of divorce, however, is that relationships with maternal grandparents become more intense, while relationships with paternal grandparents become looser, if not entirely dissolved. 

Immigration and the globalization of the labor and partnership market have contributed to more geographically separated generational relationships and the proportion of grandchildren with grandparents outside Germany has increased significantly. In the case of geographically separated relationships, grandchild-grandparent contacts concentrate on vacation times or family celebrations or, more recently, on digital forms of contact. In addition, more and more grandchildren have binational family networks (e.g. grandparents in Turkey, immigrant and naturalized parents and fully German-oriented grandchildren).

As far as the quality of the relationship between grandchildren and grandparents is concerned, the increased healthy life expectancy of the baby boomers (who often remain healthy for a long time even when they retire) has led to a clearly more active shaping of the grandchild-grandparent relationship (such as hiking together, travelling, sporting activities, etc. ). Recent studies indicate that new generations of grandparents use the interaction with the grandchildren more often than before as a 'social fountain of youth', i.e. when dealing with growing grandchildren, older women and men can actively participate in new social trends (and e.g upgrading grandchildren digitally).

Grandparents are known for spoiling their grandchildren. Does this also apply to the grandmothers and grandfathers of the baby boomer generation, or do they prefer to spend the money on themselves?

Poverty among the elderly is still common, but the number and proportion of well-to-do to wealthy grandparents in the baby boom generation have increased significantly in many regions of Germany (and Switzerland). They are grandparents who can both spend a lot of money on themselves (eating out, travel) and also spend expensive gifts for (often only a few) grandchildren. In some regions of Germany and Switzerland, the proportion of wealthy pensioners (e.g. owning their own home) is significantly higher than the proportion of wealthy young families.

New studies show that even low-income pensioners are surprisingly generous towards their descendants (own children, grandchildren). The socio-political intergenerational contract from young to old (workers finance the pensions of the elderly) is supplemented by a significant family intergenerational contract from old to young (e.g. through loans and support for descendants, care in times of crisis, etc.). Family solidarity between generations is still pronounced, especially in times of crisis.

With the new role there are numerous other new “companions”. Where do you see the greatest potential for conflict? With your life partner, i.e. grandma and grandpa in your own household, the “other grandparents”, i.e. the parents-in-law of your own child, or with the parents of the new family member?

The most common stumbling blocks are bad relationships with one's own children or a lack of acceptance from the partner of the adult children. Relationship problems with one's own children and (marriage) partners prevent close relationships with grandchildren (because access to grandchildren is determined by the parents, especially in infancy and early childhood). Good grandparents include a three-generation relationship (and intensive care for grandchildren must always be agreed with the parents), since the responsibility for bringing up children clearly lies with the parents. For example, when traveling abroad with grandchildren, many countries require a signed declaration of consent from the parents.

In general, positive grandparenthood is based on the principle of 'non-intrusive involvement' (ie being involved with grandchildren without getting too involved in the life of the young family).

In many families today there are more grandparents than grandchildren. Especially when the first grandchild is born, there are often four grandparents bending over the baby. Good contact with the other grandparents can prevent conflicts or competition for affection. 

How and with whom do you best prepare for the new role when the first grandchild is expected?

In some larger cities, grandparenthood preparation courses are offered (which can be particularly useful for grandfathers who previously did not take care of infants and young children for professional reasons). 

It makes sense for future grandparents to bring up and discuss the topic with the future parents : What do the young parents expect of their grandparents? What can and do the grandparents want to do in terms of looking after their grandchildren? In any case, it is important to clarify mutual expectations and needs at an early stage. The type of care that is possible depends on many individual factors (Living distance, health of grandparents, professional commitments of both generations, etc.) 

What is of little help overall is unwanted advice to parents about raising children or the transfer of one's own experiences as young parents to today's baby care and child rearing (since the values and norms for family and upbringing have changed a lot). 

Long-term plans are also not very helpful, since the situation of a young family changes again and again after the birth and as the grandchild grows older. Today, many grandparents assume the function of a 'reserve capacity' for young families, ie they step in when special situations (parents' illness, long school holidays or the unplanned closure of a day-care center) require it. Flexibility, also on the part of the grandparents, is key in a professionally dynamic world. 

A previously good relationship with daughter, son, daughter-in-law and son-in-law makes things much easier, as does a flexible and open attitude towards dealing with grandchildren. Especially at school age, the grandchild-grandparent relationship is also determined by the grandchild. 

Has or how has digitization changed the connection between grandparents and grandchildren and what are the challenges of "digital grandparenthood"?

In general, all recent studies (as well as the experience of the lockdown periods during the Covid 19 pandemic) show that digital contacts also have a positive effect on older people, especially if they strengthen existing personal relationships. In recent years, many older people have become digitally upgraded to be able to connect with grandchildren who live far away. With grandparents abroad, personal contacts are concentrated on family celebrations and vacation times, but contacts in between are also possible through digital forms of communication. In some cases, grandparents are better able to maintain regular brief contacts digitally with teenage grandchildren and adult grandchildren (e.g. during a stay abroad). Digital contacts can also be valuable for elderly grandparents who are less mobile (because they can use it to maintain contact with young people from home). As mentioned, digital contacts are central to supporting (rather than replacing) existing social relationships.

In quite a few places, older people have been and are being introduced to the digital world by young people (and it is not uncommon for grandmas and grandpas to learn from their grandchildren). 

The central challenge is that older people must also be open to new (technological) developments and not remain too oriented towards the past. 

You can find our comprehensive information on the stage grandparents here.