Dipl.-Pol. Heidi Müller
Heidi Müller, Dipl.-Pol., works as a scientist in the field of grief research. She is chairwoman of the Bereavement Network Europe (BNE), lecturer at the RheinMain University of Applied Sciences in Wiesbaden and, among other things, editor of the newsletter "Bereavement Research in Focus". She is currently completing her dissertation at the Gießen University Hospital.
People grieve differently. Are there actually different "types of mourning", can you identify patterns in mourning?
People in general, loss situations and interpersonal relationships differ. So mourning processes will also always be different. Sometimes we assume we can recognize certain patterns in dealing with losses. However, I am not aware of any scientific studies that prove patterns or "types of grief".
But there is one “pattern”, if you will, that unites people: we can all grieve. It's an innate ability we don't need to acquire.
Can you describe how grief “usually” evolves? Is the popular phase model (still) valid?
Phase models were a first attempt to explain how people come to term with losses in the 1960s. Today we know that these models aren’t comprehensive enough, since numerous important aspects such as “avoiding/suppressing” or "taking breaks from grieving" weren’t considered. Phase models are not scientifically proven and can be misleading for those coping with bereavement. That’s why they should not be used as an orientation.
The question of how people come to terms with losses was re-answered in the 1990s with the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement (DPM). Accordingly, those affected are confronted with two types of challenges (stressors) as a result of a loss. On the one hand, the loss itself and the bond with the deceased person can be a strain for those affected. On the other hand, challenges of a different life experience, such as "being alone", can be stressful. In order to be able to deal with these challenges, it is necessary to regulate and dose the stress that they entail. This can help avoid feeling overwhelmed. Also, those affected usually can’t deal with all challenges at the same time. Accordingly, they sometimes devote themselves to one stressor, sometimes to the other and, in the best case, oscillate back and forth between the two stressor types. This oscillation contributes to a “successful” mourning process. Since coming to terms with the death of a significant person is often exhausting, it is also important to take breaks from grieving.
Do men deal with loss differently than women? Are there "patterns" here?
Loss can be equally devastating for women as it is for men. Health problems can occur in both sexes as a result. Gender differences in dealing with loss are discussed again and again. There is no clear evidence of this so far, because the studies carried out came to contradictory results.
The topic of death is often taboo in many families and partnerships, the death of a relative raises questions and sometimes even causes great discord in families. Why do so many people have trouble talking about the topic?
Death, dying, and bereavement are issues the society is unfamiliar dealing with. This causes uncertainty when dealing with these topics. All the same, the topic is discussed in our society, the topic’s media coverage is one indicator. Maybe not always to the extent that the bereaved would prefer, but in principle people can talk about it. So, this contradicts the notion that grief is a taboo topic.
Difficulties within coping families and partnerships have numerous reasons. For example, partners will try to protect each other by avoiding talking about the loss. Unfortunately, this often results in the opposite: Not talking increases the burden on both.
People grieve differently. This also applies to family members. While some are drawn to visiting the grave, others would rather do sports. Dealing with loss within families is a kind of negotiation process in which family members can disagree or have similar needs. But there are also numerous other aspects that can lead to difficulties such as dealing with conflicts, communication within families or financial problems.
How can I support mourners? Do you have any tips on how to deal with the grief of others?
The needs of the bereaved are very different. So, it makes sense to consult the grieving themselves on their actual needs. It is helpful to ask this question again and again for months, even years, to contact those affected over and over again, unprompted. Grieving processes often take longer than the social environment and those affected themselves may think. If we get in touch again and again, we show those affected that we have not forgotten them. And if people in the social environment lack the words, that's not bad either. A hug often says more than words. The worst things we can do is avoiding discussing the issue or not talking about the deceased person. This is very hurtful for the bereaved. Avoiding being judgmental on the bereaved is definitely a first positive step. Because mourners will do their best to find the way to come to terms with their loss.